What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 00:46
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She loved him until the end.
As i do to all so called friends.?
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was very sick at this time too.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We all went to grammer schools
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I think the readers, may guess!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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I will be 64.
Comes on , in middle age.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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When she asked me how she looked .
Who then, do I blame.?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I said to her
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Was to survive, this bastard.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
How can someone feel more FTM when AMAB?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I couldn’t, believe it.
So whats the point in blame.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
All the time i was locked up.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was seconnd youngest,
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was scared of men, in general
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Would this be the day?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Put me off passion for life!!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Especially a lifetime of it.
So, i spoilt her more .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I have no regrets .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He resisted the act ,that day.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She was in good health!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He knew the spot.
She found it foreign!.
What did i know ?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
This is soul school!.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I write beautiful poetry .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And i lived it daily.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She wouldn,t have been !
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I waited trembling.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I don,t even have a pension.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
It was going to be , some day.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My family never makes their pension either.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But it wasn’t much.
My life is so biszare .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im still living with it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But, we were locked up after school.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Ive learnt so much.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was 9 years of age.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We were not on the streets..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She married twice! .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One cannot live in the past .